Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Only Those With Ham Radios Need Apply

Friday night I went out with some girlfriends. As usual, we were looking for a good time. Especially, since Mark was out of town and I was on my own. I planned to stay out late and wasn’t going to embarrass myself by going home at five to ten. I was going to party with the best of them. I am not a cream puff, but a finely oiled merrymaking queen. I even had a few jokes dusted off.

We started out at a local pub, as you do, with plans to move uptown later. After a while our bawdy conversation turned down a familiar road. Singledom. You see, one of the girls had received a call from an old high school boyfriend a few nights prior. Now married, he had for some reason (I suspect Step 9, if you know what I mean) called out the blue to tell her how wonderful she had been. What a profound impact she had had on his life. Yada, yada. You get the picture.

My girlfriend had been having a rough week and was feeling a little trodden on. This conversation restored her to a happy frame of mind. Before the call, she confessed, she was beginning to harbour doubts about her ability to have a normal relationship. Which made me wonder what constituted normal. I mean she's a special person, therefore wouldn't she need a special guy? And by special, I don't mean she was searching for someone to share her wheelchair with. But this, of course, led to the question of what would this special guy be like?

After a brisk debate, a few more drinks, a quick survey of a few of the tables around us we managed to narrow it down to these three things. First, and most importantly, he would need to have a ham radio. Not because he is a great communicator, but rather because he likes to tinker. He doesn't need to talk much if he can fix electronics. In fact, speaking is optional, really. Handy men, are sexy men. Secondly, he should have an ant farm. It shows he is dedicated to a semi-useless cause that will never really end or provide any real benefits. This will prove that he is patient with people and situations, able to listen for long periods of time, and can take direction. All pluses in a man. Finally, he should be manly. No metro-sexuals need to apply. If he is the first person in his family to walk upright, he is the one we want.

Picture from Flickr

14 comments:

Tasha said...

OMFG! You are perfect! You know that this will be printed off...in fact I believe I will email the link to everyone that I know! It was priceless in person and the rant in print is almost better!

You rock my dear, dear friend!

Anonymous said...

An 'ant farm'! I told her she should just date the dog trainer already!

Geoff said...

OK...speaking as one of her ex's (a war medal I wear with some pride), I have to say that this is probably the only combination of man that she has not dated! You're worth it, but a handful to say the least. I thought that the 'first one to walk up right' was just a phase and that I was the only one?!

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't he be good in bed too?

Heidi said...

You know I got to say, I think I would prefer someone who was handy in the house, but bad in bed. Then at least you know there is hope, because he obviously knows how to use his hands!

tyler said...

i think she should date younger men. but i don't know what a ham radio is!

Heidi said...

Hey Tyler,

Check out this link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ham_radio it will tell you all you need to know about Ham Radios.

Anonymous said...

I was under the impression she already was with someone...some scientist?! Is that finished and now she is moving on to ham radios and ant farms?

aaron said...

gasp...ham...radio...ant...farm... gasp...too...funny! GASP, i know her too well to not comment. she is fun but slightly crazy adn high strung maybe you should include that the guy needs to be a zen master...ham...radio...ha ha ha

Becky said...

Heidi... you have saved me. I never knew what to be looking for in a single man and now I know!! Love it!

Anonymous said...

So did she find an ant farming, ham radio guy?

Heidi Schempp Fournier said...

Not yet! But hope springs eternal! If you know of anyone meeting this description, please be kind and pass it on!

Anonymous said...

So...I have to ask. Did a handy ant farming fella make his way onto the scene?

Ryan

Heidi Schempp Fournier said...

So funny you should ask that Ryan. Someone very similar did end up coming on the scene. Now I am considered weirdly prescient.