You can feel the difference when you say the two lines. Do you see the change in perception? Its subtle, but its there. For him, aggressive is good. He's striving for something. Working hard. Bring home the bacon. For her aggressive is bad. She's pushy. Rude. Far too loud.
2012 has challenged me from the beginning. Yes, there have been wins. I finally seem to have found a career I really enjoy. That wasn't something I thought would happen. The plan to grit my teeth & gut it out to retirement in a thankless industry seemed to be a done deal. I'm glad I was wrong about that.
We adopted our dog, Jessie. We didn't know a dog could be so much fun. In fairness, we hoped, but we didn't expect to get so much. Because of her we have been far more active than in the past. Every weekend is an adventure. We load her in the car & off we go. She's so excited by everything that we do how can we not feel the same?
But health wise, this has been a frustrating year. I've never felt my mortality so strongly. Suddenly, I found I didn't rebound the way I used to. Back problems plagued me consistently throughout the year. I spent a considerable about of time in pain this year due to this seemingly endless problem.
But what really messed with my mind is when my doctor told me I had to go on blood pressure medication. To say I wasn't thrilled is an understatement. Being on this medication caused me months of panic attacks as every chest pain or head ache was an impending heart attack or stroke. This is largely due to the dire warnings my now, previous, doctor inundated me with when I resisted going on medication & wanted to manage it with diet & exercise. But let's be honest, blood pressure medication is not compatible with Fabulous at 40! Blood pressure medication says: illness & clocks counting down. Blood pressure medication is a measure to hold back something worse.
My new doctor has told me I'm a very motivated patient. I've come to realize that most people accept medication no questions asked. They are happy to forget their problems & let the medication manage their issues. I don't feel that way. So I've decided to do something about it. I've decided to have weightloss surgery. Some people will think this insane. I don't, I'm grateful I have the option. There isn't a diet, eating plan or exercise regime I haven't tried. Some have worked better than others, but nothing ever works for the long term. I haven't given up on eating right or exercising, I still do both. I just can't handle some of the types of exercise I used to do. So instead of running, I walk. I'm really hoping with the weight off I can run again. I really miss it.
I expect to be judged & questioned on this decision. I expect to have any number people tell me I should try diet & exercise. To shake their heads & wonder why. I also expect that some will just judge me as lazy, sure I would be able to master this with a little more will power & dedication. But ultimately when your not on blood pressure medication & in semi-constant back pain, I can understand why you wouldn't get it. I know many other overweight people who are healthier than me. Who don't have to take medication or have a weekly appointment with their chiropractor. I wish that was me. Surgery terrifies me.
But given all this, today on my 41st birthday, I'm looking forward to the promise of a medication & pain free 2013, and letting out a sigh of relief that 2012 is done. I will not look back at this year from those ahead with fondness. In fact, I think it will take its place as one of those Hell years, best forgotten.
