Thursday, July 09, 2009

Where Upon the Author Continues to Bitch About Her Height

I'm 5'1. Not a great height. A fact that I used to hate that about myself. Even more then my weight. So you can guess how much.

I hated it like how all tall women wish they were cute and tiny like kittens, and those with no breasts wished they were Dolly Parton. Well I wished, and begged, and bargained for 2 more f%cking inches, but I never got them. No idea why. My sisters are 5'4 and 5'5 respectively. But not me. I will resemble a hobbit until the end of my days. Which would be fine if I got to live in a round house and hang out with great Wizards, but that doesn't seem to be my lot either.

Obviously, I am not ever going to be thrilled about the fact that I'm short. Nor will I embrace it by buying a T-Shirt that says, 'Have you Kissed a Short Person Today' or insist that people refer to me as vertically challenge. Being short is not like having a disability or being gay, their is no way to make it cool or to raise money to correct it. In fact, generally I would prefer that it never be brought up.

So, I guess you could say that I have come to deal with it in my own maladjusted way. It's not like I have a choice. Though I would love to be taller then I am, I'm afraid cosmetic leg lengthen surgery is where I draw the line. So I do what women have done through the ages, I wear heels.

I rarely leave the house without them. I need those inches. They are my armour. They make me more attractive, smell better, and kick ass at reaching highly placed objects. Or they did.

See for the past 5 weeks I have been nursing an Achilles tendon issue. Can't run. Might not every be able to run again. Which in its self sucks, because running is the easiest thing in the world to do, and burns the most calories. Now to add insult to injury I am being told I should stop wearing my heels. And start wearing something like these beauties to the left.

I mean aren't they just cute as a button? Looks and function all wrapped up in beautiful brown Naugahyde. Wearing these, I am sure, will not only make me healthier and more appealing, but with a full length paisley A-Line skirt and the handbag my grandmother left me, will rock the world!

I don't know what I did in my past life, but I must have been one miserable bastard.
Picture of heels from
Picture of orthopedic shoes from

1 comment:

Squirrelly Girly said...

I wish I could help you out but those shoes are UGLY. they are so ugly, they are FUGLY. What happened to your Achilles tendon?