Friday, January 25, 2008

The Template

365.088 market much?
Originally uploaded by greg.turner.
Now, I am not saying I am clairvoyant. How ever smart, caring and attentive I may be. Those things just come naturally. What I KNOW for sure is what type of man would be perfect for my friends. It's not a secret that they don't know. They need me.

And like Emma in Jane Austen's book, having had one small, but I would argue significant, success I have become giddy with confidence. I don't even need X-Ray glasses. I can peer freely into your soul and tell you what to look for. Although strangely this ability is much more potentate with wine.

And since I have expended a great deal of time heating up my noggin' with ideas. Even visualizing possible scenarios. Example; he leaves his toothbrush at your house too early in the relationship. Do you A). Freak Out and tell him you aren't ready for that level of commitment or B) . Just use it when you lose yours? See, I am all about walking in another's moccasins. Or in my case a pair of pink strappy Jimmy Choos.

This is why, after careful thought I have decided what Muffy should be looking for in a man. We'll call it the template. There could be a few changes in the authentic thing from what I describe here. But, really we are talking tomato tamato.

To begin with it is clearly obvious that he should be tall. Between 6'3-6'4. Because when you have a great big personality like Muffy it takes a man of a certain stature to be confident around her. A tall man could just sweep her into his arms when she starts to do impressions or dance like she is in a WHAM video. But he should also be slightly scruffy. Whiskers, not a beard, and longer hair. Not mullet hair. Cool disheveled hair. Johnny Depp hair.

Because he will most likely work as a Researcher, National Guard Officer, or Big Game hunter he is ready to get serious and settle down. He gets enough excitement and work. Because of this he tends to be an introvert at home and needs a gregarious person to bring him out of his shell.

However, he will have a refined palate and enjoy cooking. And gardening. And since he likes to cook and garden it is only natural that he will grow his own herbs. He considers this the only civilized way to season food. He will have more kitchen appliances than Muffy. Not that this is a stretch. Counter space will be at a premium.

If you know someone who matches this description, email me their Curriculum Vitae and a short essay on the topic: How to Cook a Picnic Lunch with Just a Flint Stone and Bow and Arrow.


Anonymous said...

Ok! I made out better than Tash, my guy does not have an ant farm or a hamm radio. But I still prefer Landscaping to gardening and as long a growing herbs does not mean he is growing weed in his basement. Sign me up!

Unknown said...

Good Lord Woman! I should have had you find MY husband! Perfect for me.

Anonymous said...

Too funny!! Even if she doesn't fall in love with said fella, can we get one anyway that will still scoop her up when she is dancing like she is in a wham video?

Anonymous said...

I must say your sense of humour is one of the most off beat brands out there. Very funny! You go to great detail. You will have to keep us posted as to the success your friends have in love!