Saturday, May 31, 2008

Not Bleeding from the Eyes Yet

Well, I have to say this has been a spectacularly bad week. There have been a lot of things going on in my life and with my career that have been driving me crazy with anxiety and stress. I didn't want to vent about them here as I didn't want anything I put on this blog to come back and bite me in the ass. It appears I shouldn't have worried.

Let me say, that in the last 3 months I feel I was down, but the blows just kept coming. First off, I didn't get accepted into my Ph.D program. I have a GPA in my Masters of 3.85, I had excellent reference letters, and I had a portfolio packed with info on all the projects I have lead. I, honestly, was absolutely stupefied that I wasn't accepted. Gobsmacked. So I called the University to find out why. As is the time honored way of the glass castle caste, they couldn't ACTUALLY give me a specific reason. After 30 minutes of circular talking where I was told that these COULD be the reasons I wasn't accepted, but that they couldn't be absolutely confirmed, here is what I figured out. They said that maybe, just maybe, I hadn't align my research interests closely enough with a faculty members, and that my academic output might not have been where they would have like it. Decoded what that means is I did not spend enough time sucking up to a faculty member and getting published. The problem with not getting accepted is that in the 3 years since I got my Masters the College landscape in this province has changed. In 3 years our provincial gov't has started to deregulate Post-Secondaries allowing Colleges for the first time EVER to offer degrees. Almost all the Colleges have moved this way. Three years ago I could have gotten a teaching job anywhere with just a Masters. Now that they all offer degrees they only want someone with a Ph.D.

Soon, however, I took another blow that pretty much made me forget about the Ph.D. Mark and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years. No luck. I call it old womb syndrome. So we had started the process of adopting. We soon got a phone call from a family friend, that they had a friend whose daughter was pregnant and looking for a couple to adopt her baby. The fact that this family friend recommended us says more about the kind of people they are then I could possibly say here. We were touched and excited. So the long and short of it is we met with her, she told use she had made up her mind that we the people she wanted. She was due in 2.5 weeks. The scramble was on. Then comes the phone call. Her Grandparents called and she had changed her mind and gone to live with them. We were devastated. Mark says that the only way to describe it, is it is like having a miscarriage.

During all of this I was waiting to find out if I got a FT permanent position with the College that I have taught at for 4 years. Knowing that my contract was up on June 30 I was starting to get a little scared when I hadn't heard anything about an interview by the beginning of April. First I was told they would do interviews on April 17, then May 5 & 6, then finally for sure on May 20 & 21. Long story short, I didn't get the job. I am devastated.

So where does that leave me. Luckily, I have some great friends and strong contacts who have been very supportive. One of which I would like to mention was my previous boss. I have found a University that offers the EXACT Ph.D I wanted, I applied yesterday, and if everything works out, I can start in September. I love to teach, it is all I ever wanted to do, and I am good at it. So much to ponder.


Squirrelly Girly said...

You go girl! I'm sending you 100% good mojo.

Unknown said...

Oh, I am so very sorry for all that! And I can't imagine the pain of losing what you thought was going to be your baby! How very heart breaking.

I hope the new college works out.

Anonymous said...

sounds like a VERY rough time. I am glad you are surviving.

My 'year-I'll-never-forget,-and NEVER-want-to-repeat' was 1997. It seemed that anything that could go wrong, did. There were major issues with every area of my life - my health, family, friends, the church I was part of, and my work. The latter two were the most dismaying. It seemed that everything that could go to pot did, and that I had been selected for a 'let's see-how-much-she-can-take-before-she-cracks' award. I nver did crack completely, but I did feel that I was at the edge for quite some time. That was 10 years ago. I did survive, some of the issues got resolved, others did not. In some ways, I was never the same - for good and for bad. I was older, wiser, more disallusioned with reality, but, also, more committed to the ideals that I still believed in.

hang in there, Heidi.... perhaps you too will look back to this time as a major point in your life, and that something good will manage to come out of this all. You have my vote!