Thursday, April 30, 2009


Boy. Lately, I just seem to have lost my motivation. I have some sort of malaise that I just can't seem to conquer. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone. I don't even really want to go out. Mostly, I just want to sit in my own filth and zone out. I am dreaming of building my own little oasis around the couch with all my favorite things within arms reach so I never have to get up. If I could figure out how to get out of going to the bathroom, my dream would be complete.

So don't worry about calling, I won't answer the phone. Can't be bothered. I might get back to your email, in time. We'll see. I just don't want to commit to anything. Don't ask me if I want to go out, because I can't think that far ahead. And really, I want to keep my options open. Which is code for: sit on the couch watching my PVR. Don't take it personally, it really isn't you, in this case, it IS me.

I remember reading an Ava Gartner biography where it described how for about 2 or 3 years after she moved to Spain she really did nothing. Just partied all night with her personal band of gypsy followers. She described it as the best period of her life. That it felt like she had been floating in a warm bath. I like that. I could go for that feeling. I don't really want to party every night with gypsy's, but drawing a warm bath and sitting in it with a glass or wine for few months might be good. As long as I can reach all my favorite things with out having to get out.

I feel like every time someone asks me to do something, or I am required to do anything, I am being forced at gun point to do something I don't want to do. I think that sums up my general feelings about most things right now - be forced to do things I really don't want to. I have no desire to do anything. Or I should clarify. I don't have a desire to do anything you might want me to do.

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