Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Stabbed with their Steely Knives

Originally uploaded by bornazombie.
For the past 2 nights I have had the worst sleep. As soon as I fall asleep my stomach seems to erupt. It's really painful, and keeps waking me up. It is almost impossible to find a position that doesn't hurt. When I finally find one, I fall back asleep to be woken up a short time later by the same thing. At first I thought it was food poisoning, and cursed the ham I ate for supper. But when the pain wasn't followed by vomiting I realized this wasn't the problem. Then I thought I might be having a gall bladder attack, but those go away after about 10-15 minutes and this just dragged on, and on. Finally, I realized I was having a sting of very emotionally upsetting dreams. Whatever they were about has been lost in the night, but this is what has been effecting my stomach and causing me so much pain. It is the equivalent of finding out you forgot your Physics exam multiplied by the realization you are in a crowded room naked. My stomach is a clenched fist that just keeps squeezing.

I don't know why this is effecting me in my sleep. I have suspicions. I suspect it has to do with trying to get our adoption profile done. I think I may have snapped something emotionally trying to push to get it finished over the last week. I suspect this, because the desire I had to complete it, or even ever look at it ever again, makes almost every fiber of my being revolt. I think the pressure I put on myself, and all the emotions of this whole process have reached a tipping point in my brain. The ridiculous and unwarranted ideas I placed on myself regarding timeliness, or lack of it, about getting through all the steps the agency requires of you BEFORE YOU CAN get on the live list have cause my dreams to start hating me. Which in turn has turned my stomach into a round steel ball of a million knifes poking me in my sleep and making me queasy during the day.

Jesus, I am tired of emotions. Maybe the Vulcans have it right. I doubt their dreams attack their stomachs.

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